PEACE LIKE A WARM BLANKET

Earlier I was holding Nesia in my lap as I fed her a handful of Cheerios and we watched the butterflies in the back yard. A hummingbird also flew by. I began listing a few things out loud that I was thankful for. Her little foot that I've been so blessed to watch grow over the past year and watch stand up, pull up and just last night a stumbled attempt at a step. I was also saying I was thankful for the butterflies and the beauty that we are able to enjoy here at Penhoti. Then I listed knowledge and peace of God on my verbal list of gratitudes. My how far my walk with God has come over the past year and a half!

I was talking with my friend Eleanna yesterday about the medical tests that her barely-two-year-old daughter is going through. I told her that my prayer is for God to comfort a mama's heart and heal a baby girl's body. I was so happy to hear that she is at peace either way the tests go. She said that if they find that Arie does have this disease, then maybe it can be something God can use the rest of her life. 

I think back to when I was given grave medical expectancies when I was pregnant with Nesia. That first few hours I was shell-shocked and numb. Then I reached out and began to ask for prayer from some of my family and friends. That's when the peace came like a warm blanket and covered me fully. I remember my cousin Danielle writing me in a text, "We will thank God for the beautiful baby girl growing inside of you right now and go from there." Right then the pressure of having to have all the answers right that moment was gone. Panic mode switched to off. Right now we thank God and go from there. We start by thanking God. That's the FIRST step. "Okay," I thought, "I can do that." Thanking God and then taking one step at a time after that helped the journey not seem quite so difficult afterall.

Oh the peace!

Even in dire circumstances, being able to embrace whatever the outcome might be, is that comfort and peace like a warm blanket in knowing that God is in control. Getting to that place of ultimate peace no matter what the future holds, I believe is the fertile ground that God uses to make miracles happen. Maybe the TRUE miracle is a deeper relationship with God...

Nesia- three and a half months old- New Years Day 2012

Father knows best

I know this blog is supposed to be telling you all the gory details about the miracle pregnancy and birth and I'll get around to that eventually. But God is doing so many amazing things presently in my life and I just have to share! 

 

Ever been asked to do something that made you nervous? You know, something outside your comfort zone or level of expertise? I know my talents, the stuff I'm good at and comfortable doing. I can plan an event, market, advertise and fundraise with the best of them. But sharing the gospel with complete strangers? Speaking in front of people? Or opening up and telling the ugly parts of my story? Ummmm.... That's the stuff that makes my heart pound, my palms sweat and my stomach queazy. NO THANKS! 

A couple of weeks ago there was a meeting that I couldn't attend and I knew they were going to be divvying up responsibilities and I offered to help with the things I'm best and most comfortable doing. I was told later that they decided that I would be best at doing the devotions. Oh my. Uncomfortable doesn't even come close to describing how I felt about my new responsibility. (Maybe the lesson learned here is don't miss any meetings! Lol)  

"But what about MY ideas for marketing?", I thought to myself. "Don't they know I'M really good at those things?" 

I really struggled with this for a while. About a week went by and I was reading an email devotion about putting your faith where your action is. And suddenly my eyes were opened! I know God has been calling me into ministry of speaking and sharing my story. What better way to begin to get experience in this area of my life where I need to grow and stretch than having the responsibility of doing devotions! I kinda felt like I had been hit over the head with a realization lightening bolt! I could not believe I hadn't seen that all along.  

First of all God immediately softened my heart to see that I should be grateful that the people in that meeting saw that potential in me and they weren't just throwing something on me that they didn't want themselves. Then he showed me if I'd had been given the responsibility of the stuff I'M good at, it would have been ME getting the credit because I wouldn't have to rely on God to help me. And it's all about HIM!

To top it all off this past Sunday at church the message was about self help. And how self reliance makes you arrogant and you forget your dependence on God. And God will help those who admit they are powerless on their own and trust him alone for help. 

How about that for timing?!

Oh yeah, and then right after church I was asked if I could do a 5 minute devotion for Upward football on one of the Saturdays this fall. You better believe I said "YES!" 

Stretch me God, lead me on this journey. Take this and make it how YOU see it should be. The thing you are calling me into makes me feel nervous because it's not on my skill that I can rely on. It's YOU alone. 

Storms

The view from my front porch

I'm sitting on my front porch watching a thunderstorm. I can be terrified like Dottie, my mom's little Border Collie, who is trembling in a little ball behind my chair here on the porch. However, I am enjoying the mist of rain on my face and listening to the trees sway in the wind. The thunder and lightening don't really frighten me. I've seen bigger storms than this. Literally and figuratively. 

I'm weathering this storm today with a smile on my face and God's peace in my heart. The storm today can't get me down, not like the other "storms" that I've lived through, correction, God has brought me though. There were times I didn't know why in the world I was facing the challenges that were in my path, but now on the other side of the storms, I can see very clearly exactly why I was facing those things. God was able to use those very storms for me to now see that his hand was on me. 

A few weeks ago I was riding in the car coming home from a long, exhausting night of VBS and I was pondering (aka worrying), as usual, about the "what ifs" of my future. Almost audibly God said to me "I've got this! See what all I've brought you through and put in your path? I've got your future taken care of too. No need to worry. I'VE GOT THIS!"  Whoa! What a lightbulb moment! Seriously, God, it's that easy? But God, I'm conditioned to over-analyze everything and anticipate bad things so I won't be caught off guard. I've got to be prepared for the worst. That's what I DO. No, that's Satan's lies. 

"I've got this" God says as he shows me where he has brought me FROM so that I can trust where he is taking me TO. -My Facebook post July 12

This figurative storm I'm weathering seems never ending, but just like the actual storm I've been sitting here watching this afternoon as I type, the worst seems to be over as now the thunder rolls in the distance and the rain is barely falling. Even still, God's got this too. He's had it all along, but I finally have the peace that he's got my future too. I'm sure he's got a GREAT ONE planned for me! 

MASTER OF THE WIND

My boat of life sails on a troubled sea

Whenever there's a wind in my sail.

But I have a friend who watches over me

When the breeze turns into a gale.

I know the Master of the wind.

I know the Maker of the rain.

He can calm a storm, make the sun shine again.

I know the Master of the wind.

Sometimes I soar like an eagle through the sky

Above the peaks my soul can be found.

An unexpected storm may drive me from the heights

Brings me low, but never brings me down.

I know the Master of the wind.

I know the Maker of the rain.

He can calm a storm, make the sun shine again.

I know the Master of the wind.

He can calm a storm, make the sun shine again

I know the Master of the wind.

A Piece of the Puzzle

Preface: My story, blog, speaking events and hopefully one day a book, are put together by pieces. Pieces of a puzzle that I know only God knows what the finally picture looks like, but he gives it to me in pieces. I pray that you bare with me during the process of telling my miracle story in pieces over the days, months and years to come...

I've often thought of why God chose me and my circumstances to perform the miracle that he did. It was not a bed of roses and a beautiful journey. No, the first half just plain sucked. I cried more than I smiled. I was broken. Dried up. Felt used and abused. Abandoned. At the end of my rope. I was hopeless. 

Not JUST because I knew I would enviably miscarry but because everything else in my life had completely spiraled out of control, out of MY control. I was no longer "on top of the world" as I had felt that I was one year, two years, three years before. No, I had lost it all. There I was, alone, and lonely. Empty inside doesn't begin to describe the vacuum of a black hole that was buried deep in my heart. 

Not only was my uterus scarred and burned to the point that nothing should be able to grow, but my heart felt like that too. 

Yes, I believed in God and knew Jesus had died on the cross for my sins and I had asked him into my heart many years before. And I also knew he would never abandon me. But why, oh why did I feel so alone? And completely empty of any hope at all?

God uses lonely. God uses despair. God uses hopelessness.  

My miracle story isn't JUST about a baby growing, thriving and being born when there was no way possible, medically speaking. But my miracle story also involves a re-birth in me. The amazing miracle that God has done (and continues to do) in my life through this process. It is a true miracle...

The sunset as I finished typing this post

Why does God perform miracles?

Today in my Bible I read this little side note devotion and it prompted me to begin writing something I will share soon...

"I wish God would do more miracles in my life. Why don't amazing things happen more often?"
Ever wondered this? Miracles and "amazing things" are great. Still, the best miracle God could ever perform in any life is the miracle of salvation.
Maybe the real question is, What kind of miracles do you want God to do in your life? ...(several examples listed)... Perform some healing to "prove" he's there? If so, you'll be disappointed. He doesn't "perform" just to prove he exists. He would rather that people have faith in what the Bible says about him (that he, in fact, exists).
God promised his followers that he would perform wonderful things through them. And you'll find that the most exciting miracles are when God uses you to lead someone else to him. Those miracles are better; they lead to something eternal!
So ask God to use you to perform the greatest miracle of all- to lead someone to Christ.

It's time to begin

I'm not sure after all this time that I'm even ready to begin this Blogger stuff. Once upon a time I spent tons of time typing and typing, spilling my guts, tear by tear telling the hurts, struggles and a glimpse of the victory... And. Then. It. Happened... My laptop just cut off. Yup, during the final proof reading after writing over a week. Vanished. Everything was gone. I was already emotionally drained from pouring my entire heart out bit by bit and then in one moment it was gone. Just gone. And I, I was a basket case because of it for the next three hours. Longer actually. My good friend, Courtney told me to not give up and maybe that part was just for me. She and my other friend, Brandi are bloggers and share their stories, the struggles and victories, with the entire world. I read each of their blogs but a part of me, a big part, is so terrified to spread my insides out like a deck of cards for the world to see. To judge. To view me as an awkward sideshow. Ya know, the "junk" that we all want to hide, is a huge part of my story. My miracle story. Not sure I'm quite ready and I'm sure the world is not quite ready. But God has been showing me for a while now that what He has done in my life isn't some small thing. It's huge. Really huge. And maybe, just maybe, it can bring a glimmer of hope to hurting women. Hope where there is no hope. That's what God uses sometimes. A miracle of God in the making...